Off jokes

I jump off a cliff and said I hate you, dumb blond, and eagle...Then I said to my wife, "We're done, Blondie," and said to my friend, "You're a dumbhead eagle!"

"I can lose 10 ugly pounds anytime I want -- I'll just cut off my head!"

Do you use humor to make light of your emotional eating and your weight? Make jokes about overeating and being fat as a way of getting along with other people? I was a Grand Champion at it.

Orphan: I love abcdefu!

Caretaker: Why? You don't have anyone to flip off.

When God created mankind, he said, "Damn it! One is off color, the other yellowish. The last one is burnt!"

Why is the sand always pissed off?

Because the sand never waves back!

"Get off your computer, Jessie Jex."

Have a child you don't want? Just drop them off at a school they don't know and drive away.

A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

Imagine losing your child in WW2 and your son fucking respawns, so you tell him off for not getting enough kills.

Why did the man get fired from work? Because he took two days off in February.

A person told an orphan to not move; otherwise, they would kill their parents. What did the orphan do?

It danced its a** off.

What did Africa say to the grass? Get off me!

What did Helen Keller say when she jumped off a bridge? "(sign language)"

My friend said she was tired of seeing me every day.

So I pushed her off the side of a cliff.

A sister went to her brother's room and says,

"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"

"Yes, sis."

"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)

"My pet snake."

"Can I pet it?"

"Yes."

He wakes up in a hospital.

"What happened?"

"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."

"You dummy!"

"Whaaat?"

What did the fork say to the cake when he said, "I hope you get eaten?"

Fork off!

What did the chicken say when he saw a human running around uncontrollably?

"It's running around like a chicken with its head cut off!"

People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

I've been taking Viagras for sunburn.

It keeps the sheets off my bed at night!