Off jokes

The other day, my best friend flipped off the table in class. I thought it was flipping amazing!

A sheep, a snake, and a drum fell off of a cliff.

Baa- Dum- Tsss!

A girl walks into the church and confesses.

Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

Priest: "How have you sinned, may I ask?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call a man a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "He held my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (He holds the girl's hand.)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That does not explain why you called a man a bitch."

Girl: "He started taking off my clothes."

Priest: "Like this?" (He takes off the girl's clothes.)

Girl: "Yes, Father."

Priest: "That also doesn't explain why you called the man a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off his clothes and put his you know what into my you know what."

Priest: "Like this?" (He puts his you know what into her you know what.)

Girl: "Yes, Father! Yes, Father!"

Priest: "Then what?"

Girl: "Then he got up and left me naked."

Priest: "That son of a bitch!"

Why did Suzy fall off the swings? Because she had no arms.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Not Suzy.

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

If you cut off your head, you can't breathe.

You also can't breathe if you die.

So why isn't it debreathiation?

Jack and Jill went up the hill for drunkin' wild sex.

Jack went by Jill to get a lick, and watched Jill get off on a stick.

Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms!

One day a Chief was talking to his son... "Son," the father said, "Long ago the Woman didn't have anybody to take her to BINGO. So, the Creator put the Woman to sleep and cut off her butt cheeks and made her a Man. That's why today Indian Women have no butt, and the Men are called Buttheads!"

Why did Timmy fall down the stairs?

Because he fell off his wheelchair.

A man went to a library and asked the librarian if they had any books on suicide.

She replied "Oh fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

Yo mama so fat that when she farted, Big Shaq took off his jacket.

Why couldn’t Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?

Because she was wearing mittens.

What did the mother cheetah say to her cub?

"Go to bed or I'll slap your spots off you!"

"Fuck off for I killed him, bum bum."

My wife said she would slam my head into my keyboard if I did not get off video games.

But don't worry I think she was just joking.

Your forehead is so big, Humpty Dumpty didn’t want to fall off!

Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"

Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"

Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"

Friend: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Friend: Your life.

Me: Ahhh, I wish!

*jumps off building*

My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."

I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.