Off jokes

The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.

Three women—a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead—are riding through the desert on a dune buggy. About two hours later, their vehicle dies with no gas, and they're forced to travel to their destination on foot, but they all agree to carry something with them.

The brunette brings canteens of water.

The redhead takes a large beach umbrella.

The blonde somehow rips off the car door.

The redhead asks her, "Why did you take the whole car door?"

To which the blonde replied, "So I can roll down the window in case it gets too hot."

Little Johnny went to school and right before class started, he pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his teacher told him to put on his pants and go to the office. The principal asked him what he did, so he pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Then the principal called his mom. The mom got there and took little Johnny home.

They got in the car, and his mother asked, "Johnny, what did you do this time?" So Johnny pulled his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." Once they got home, his dad was off work and heard that Johnny was coming home early from school. Once again he asked Johnny what he did. Johnny pulled down his pants and said, "Little fishy, little fishy, little fishy." After that, his dad was surprised, so his dad pulled down his pants and said, "Big whale, big whale."

If Joe Biden and Kamala Harris jump off a cliff, who survives?

Americans...

The winds of Uranus go on and off, so you could say the wind is broken.

What is a paedo's favourite time of year?

Halloween because they get free delivery.

Why'd the girl fall off the swing?

'Cause she had no arms.

Knock, knock!! Who's there?

Not the girl.

If you jump off a building and yell "parkour," how can they tell that it was intentional? T'was a failed stunt.

If your uncle Jack needed help getting off of a horse, would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

What do you call a group of emos about to jump off a bridge? Suicide Squad.

Yo mama so fat, she fell off the judgement room and broke the 7 layers of hell.

How do you stop an argument between two deaf people? Switch off the lights.

I was in the corner shop to buy some lottery tickets, and the Indian woman was sporting a red dot on her forehead. I scratched it off and won a fucking Ford Focus!

What does a gynecologist and delivery driver have in common?

Whenever they’re hungry, they can just scrape a little cheese off the top of the box.

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Every time a Light Saber goes off, it's just a Jedi Master getting hard over a kid. Lol.

Why are people suspicious when a priest yells "Attention Kmart shoppers"?

Boy's pants are half off.

A guy and his girl just finished making love.

Just as they lay next to each other, the girl asks, "Have you thought about any baby names?"

The guy then takes his condom off and ties it, and says, "Well, probably David Copperfield, if he gets out of this!"

If I were to cut your legs off, would it hurt? Because your legs will be cut off...

When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"