Off jokes

Why are people suspicious when a priest yells "Attention Kmart shoppers"?

Boy's pants are half off.

What did the fat guy say when he fell off the ladder? "Catch me!"

I got in trouble at school today because I played the knife game with a pair of scissors, but I couldn't flip them off because I was missing that finger.

"Suck me off, daddy, I'm doing homework."

What goes cackle, cackle, *bonk*?

A witch laughing its head off.

How do you kill Hellen Keller?

Take her on a walk off a cliff.

I love when I could run through the grass and feel the wind on my face.

Then my mom told me to get off VR, and then I wheeled myself to her.

A guy and his girl just finished making love.

Just as they lay next to each other, the girl asks, "Have you thought about any baby names?"

The guy then takes his condom off and ties it, and says, "Well, probably David Copperfield, if he gets out of this!"

What does a plug do when he's horny?

He jacks off!

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

I think I'm being stalked.

My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.

And they're off!

How do you know the hooker killed herself?

She sniffed the line off the dresser you said not to touch.

Yo mama is so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall.

What sound did Stephen Hawking make when he died? Power off.

If I were to cut your legs off, would it hurt? Because your legs will be cut off...

5 4 3 2 1. I love the huge bright sun. 5 4 3 2 1. My life has just begun. Though Akeld and Unkown, make me feel alone, they want be dead, and off with my head, and all I said was... NO FRICKIN' HATIN' IN THESE COMMENTS! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"

Five little monkeys jumping on a bed.

One fell off and bumped his head. Mamma called Walmart, and Walmart said,

"We will give you a replacement!"

You're so trash that when I dropped you off, I got a ticket for littering.

How do you ground a person in a wheelchair?

Take off the wheels!