“Grandma, tell me a story!” I said as we huddled near the campfire “Alright,” She said “Once, there was a tree named Timmy, he was my best tree friend. I used to read books under him and climb all his branches.” “Where is Timmy now?” I asked Grandma pointed to the campfire.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again
...... fuck the turtles...... THE END
Man: whats up? Me: im annoyed Man: Why? Me: I stole my gf's heart Man: So why are you annoyed? Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks
When it's been Halloween for a few months, but there's still a body hanging from your neighbor's tree.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
ijolfjosd
What’s the difference between Issac Newton and my Dad? Issac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk
We're all unique, which is something we all have in common.
When your mean to the quiet kid in your class and he kills everyone good times
My name
My mom said to let Jesus come inside me now i can't sit down
What does santa say about my mom? HO HO HO
I love working with animals, especially when I get to hear their cries of help.
I named my dog 5 miles so when I walk him I can say I walked 5 miles random guy: I ran over 5 miles
what does a deaf person do when they hear people scream? I don't know its not like they're gonna hear it anyway.
Follow me on instagram: @Lavderi
Q. whats the difference between people and a toilet A. niether does r kelly
Dad: how was your trip to the park? Daughter: it was good until the man came along. Dad: *gasps* whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened? Daughter: he made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off... Dad: oh God, what next? Daughter: Nothing, that was it. Dad: oh, come on! that wasn't exciting, make something up!
I don't understand the plane crash at 9/11. my dad was a great pilot!
