70+ Looking For Jokes

Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"

Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."

Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."

Guy: "About that..."

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.

But no one would do it.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

How to tell if you're depressed? You came to a website called "worst jokes ever.com" looking for a quick smile.

You know, eBay sucks. I was looking for a lighter, and it gave me 18,906 matches.

The left side shows the sole of a Timberland boot with a white charging cable lodged in the treads. Above this image is the text, "I've been looking for this thing for WEEKS". The right side is a screen shot of a text conversation. The first message is "What do you want from Panera", then the response "Chicken Sees Her Salad". The next message is "What?", followed by "What I always get", then "Chicken Caesar Salad?", and lastly "IS THAT WHAT IT IS".

Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a 1-foot piano player over by the door. He goes over to the bartender, orders a beer, and says, “Man, how’d you get such a short piano player?” The bartender says in response, “There’s a genie in the back of the bar.” The man finishes his beer and runs to the back, looking for the genie. He finds it and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” Suddenly, a million ducks fly out of the bar. The customer looks confused and goes back to the bartender and says, “What just happened?” The bartender replies, “The genie is half deaf, do you really think I’d ask for a 12-inch pianist?”

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

I'm not looking for consent, I'm looking for cooperation!

He is looking for children. If you don't know who EDP445 is, look him up.

Be careful around EDP445.

Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?

Because no one’s looking for them.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.

I said to him: "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common?

Answer: They both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons!

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.

The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"

Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her that she lost her mind, she went looking for it.

I was in math class, and we were learning geometry. My teacher said, "PENTAGON!" then all of a sudden, PENALDO burst into the room! He thought we were talking about PENS, so he came looking for some because he's a finished pen merchant! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my education! 🤬

A girl walked into a job interview. The interviewer said, "You are what we are looking for, but I need to test your skills." He hands her a pen. He said, "Sell me this pen." She puts it between her boobs.