A man and a child walk into the woods, the child turns to the man and says: "Mister, can we go home, it's getting late and I'm scared to walk home". The man turns to the child and says: "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"
I feel bad for cumming on my turtle
Why the fuck would I do that. I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn in my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me in the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watch and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with my I wouldn't feel lonely. Well I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, i took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forgot the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forgot what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what i did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish, is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.
Gwen sassy: Hi here my credit card don't get it wet it is to much! Unknown: Okay! Gwen sassy: Man I am late can you move a long! Much! Unknown wispering: Sexy!
My Xbox has been acting up lately...
So I painted it black to make it run faster
A kid had school today. He was late every single day. He said in his mind, I wish I can go to school again. What happened? Its obvious...... He died :)
Peyton: Okay guys no talking about dumb and stupid things that are not important. Ysabella: No!!! Peyton: Oh SHUT YOUR FACE THE HECK UP! Navaya: That makes no sense. Isaiah: I know right. Kenya: You don't tell us what to do you control freak. Ysabella: Shush. Kenya: BLAH! Peyton: Now we shall be watching some amazing things on You-tube, Subject math. aka BORING!!!! Andre: Say how old are you? Kenya: What? Andre: I'm asking her how old she is. Peyton: Thats none of your beeswax. Andre: Okay then. 9 hours later. Peyton: Okay class time for science!!! Kenya: Okay what are we doi... Peyton: SHUSH!!! Ysabella: shush. Peyton: We aren't doing anything but playing around with all this STUFF!!! heheheheehe. Navaya: No thanks. Peyton: Yes thanks! Mariah: Why? Oh for science. Peyton: Shut your mouth and watch me do this science work!!!
10 hours later. Peyton: What else? Ysabella: Will we can play games since thats all we have! Peyton: WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND BY Shuting YOUR MOUTH UPPPP!?!?!?! HMMMMMMMM? Ysabella: Sorry! Peyton: Then act like it! Kenya: Shush! Peyton: Shush! Andre: Shush. Shush! Mariah: Andre? Andre: Shush!
1 hour later. Peyton: Well we have a lot of E.L.A work to do. Ysabella: Sweetie this is Math and Science class! Not the other classes. Peyton mocking Ysa: Sweetie this is Math and Science class. Not the other classes. I know things! Andre: Then act like you know things. Kenya: True. Oliver: True that. Peyton: SHUT IT!!! Oliver: No! Geez.
2 hours later. clock time (7:00) Peyton: Whooohooo we got our E L A done now time for- Ysabella: I going to stop you right there! We have been working all morning from 5:00 a.m to this o clock a.m! Sooo KNOCK IT OFF!! Andre: Yes, thank you Ysabella you are now at the top of my friend list! Ysabella: What? Whatever! Peyton: Fine, go somwere else and whine about it cause I idc! Kingston: What does that mean, ohhhhhh. Peyton: Idc. Ysabe: IDC what does that mean? Kingston: "I don't care".
3 hours has passed now turned and it turned to 8:00 a.m. Peyton: What do guys want to do? Ysabella: Play games. Kingston: Draw! Andre: Go home! Peyton: Please. Well I'm picking so haha. Kenya: Here it says that we can pick the things we want to do it just can't be harmfull or bad for us! Oliver: Really it says that? Kenya: Yeah right here. Oliver: Noice. Peyton: Oh go play! Kenya: Good, byeeee! Oliver: Peace!
1 hour later. Ysabella: Woohoo, okay yes. Kingston: Whats going over there? Navaya: I don't know... oh she's playing a game! I think thats interland wow she is on level 78. super cool! Kingston: She on what? Navaya: Shush, shush, shush, shush! Kingston: RUDE!! Ysabella: Whoooohooooooooooooooo!!!! Navaya: Yeah go ysa! Kingston: What is she doing- Navaya: SHUSH!!!! Kingston: WhAtEvEr!!!!! Navaya: Oliver, Mariah, Kenya! Ysa just made it to level 89!!!! Yeeeeeee!! Oliver: Cool. Mariah: ?. Kenya:?
1 hour later. still 8:00. Ysabella: I'm on level 89,000,890. WOW!!!! Kenya: How? Kingston: MOVE!!! Kenya: OWWW!!! Kingston: Sorry Uh I did not mean to do that, are you okay? Kenya: What do you think? Navaya: Guys stop hugging, and get over here. Kenya: Gross! Kingston: Dude? Braylon: Guys shut up!! Kenya and Kingston: WE GOT IT!!! Ysabella: Your on level 90,890,9795, 4839,86903,6960,6 9506.996 WOOOOOOOOW!!! Kenya: Thats a lot of numbers!! Kingston: SuRe is!
2 hours later, 9:09 a.m, Peyton: Okay GUYS THATS ENOUGH GAMES FOR RIGHT NOW! Leilani: Why Ysa so close to her winning streak of reaching 900.138.902 milion billion points and levels on Interland!! Yeeeey.Peyton: Wow, great, cool, amazing!! Who CARES!!!! I KNOW I DON'T!!! Leilani: Yeah thats cause your heartless person! Who agrees? All the class raised their hands. Peyton: Blah! Leilani: WHATEVER! Peyton: Anyway the boss said that she wants us to do social studies. Who likes too I know I don't. 5 hours later 10:10 a.m, Peyton: Okay let's see I'm reading from the passage " The great plains experienced a drought from 1932 to 1939. This nat- Madison: The answer is dust bowl! Thats the answer... we did this in class and turned all our work in so yall know yeah, end of the story. Peyton: Will what about Kenya? Kenya: I did it. Mariah: We all did it! Andre: Did you do it? Peyton: Of course I did the social studies work! Duh I'm not an idiot. Andre: Well sure, thats what you think!
Peyton: Okay guys what shall it be for lunch? Any choices cause this is a one time thing no seconds. Raymond: Uh tacos. Kingston: Wrong! Pizza! Raymond: It's not Friday! Ysabella: Guys stop, this is a one time thing no second chances. They choose Pizza and Tacos. Kingston: Whateves. Raymond: No! Peyton: Okay fine I'll chose... and we will have Pizza and tacos with soda PLEASE and thanks. Raymond: Will thats not bad but I DON'T LIKE PIZZA!!! Navaya:Shut up raymond your going to ruin this for us!
1 hour later. Peyton: Okay guys, now lets get back to work!! NOW! Kenya: No, we already did our work! Peyton: Sure you did! Peyton rolls her eyes. Navaya: Did you do all your work Miss.Hickman? Hmmm. Ysabella: Yes, answer that question! Hehehehehe. Peyton: Heheh hell. Kingston: OOOOOOOOO you said the H word! Peyton: K so? Kenya: Here it states "No kids shall use bad words also known as profanity in the school halls and inside the classrooom". Kingston: Dang, wow! Kenya: Thanks!! 2 hours later. Peyton: Attention everyone! Attention! Janiah: What is it now! Kenya: Yeah. David: Yes Ms. Hickman? What, I have manners. Alexis: WHAT!? Peyton: Thanks for the loud attention! Okay thats the past now who wants to learn spanish? Janiah: Why? Not that thats a bad thing but why... WHY WOULD WE WANT TO LEARN SPANISH?! Kenya: Many reasons so we can began a big way to not having to go to spanish classes and other nonsense! Peyton: Sure that too and plus we're all bored right? Right!
56 mins later. Peyton: So how do you say Hello in spanish? Kingston. Kingston: Hola, duh everyone knows that! Oliver: I don't, so thanks King thanks! Peyton: How do you say "Hello, how are you" in spanish? Ysabella: Hola, como estas? Boom did it! I got an A! Kenya: Good job! Ysabella: Gracias. Peyton: Wow, way to show off. how do you... Kenya: How do you say "This is stupid" in spanish oh wait "Esto es estupido" trust me I looked it up!! Alexis: Wow!!! did you use translate? Kenya: Si
55 mins later. Peyton: How do you say "Everyone in here is acting like jerks and morons, they won't stop interrupting me and won't SHUT THEIR faces like I asked them too do multiple times" anyone? Nevaeh Daniels raised her hand, go on Nev! Nevaeh: Todos aquí están actuando como idiotas y Imbécil, no dejarán de interrumpirme y no CERRARÁN SUS caras como les pedí que lo hicieran varias veces? Peyton: Yes!!! But I meant that as a sarcastic type of way! Kenya: Okay freee time!!! Everyone cheers!!! To be continued.... This is about a 11 year old girl in charge in her classroom and spending the rest of the week with annoying classmates.
4 hours later. Kingston: Will we finally got away from that witch! Jaden: Thank you universe! Madison: Wait do you mean witch as in Peyton? Kingston: Yes! Kenya: Red lipstick, Red lipstick, Red lipstick! Kingston: Red lipstick? Mariah: Yes we chose red lipstick is that a ding dang problem?! Kingston: No ma'am. Kenya: Peyton, guys RED LIPSTICK!! Do I have to say it in spanish? Kingston: Guys Pey is on the way hurry...why? Cause she's looking for us DUMMY! Oliver: Okay ready. Geex. 1 hour later 7:00 p.m. Peyton in creepy way: Hey guys! Were are you! Kenya: Few more minutes! Ysabella: Peyton really has gone crazy!!! Kenya: Yeah shut up real quick! is it in position? Kingston: Sooooon. Kenya: Hury up you ding dang nitwit! Kingston: Blah! Kamrieiana: How is the dieinc? HOW ARE THEY?! Cornelese: There in place and don't spit in my face please. Kamrieiana: Sorry... HURRY UP MAN!!!! Jovani: HURRY Up DUDE!! Cornelese :O SHUT UP JOVANI!!!! Kenya: Hurry!!!
The next morning it was Tuesday, Peyton walked in the classroom feeling kind of mad at her classmates or co-workers. Peyton: Ugh! Stupid teachers!!!!! Leaving me in charge of the dumb class!!!! Jrks I mean JERKS!!!! Aniyah: O DANG It WHY THIS CLASSROOM!!!!!! Peyton: Blah! Aniyah: What? Peyton rolls her eyes at Aniyah. Aniyah: Keep rolling your eyes or they will get stuck up there!! Jarryd and Ethan walk in. Jarryd: O will hello Peyton! Ethan: Yes Hello.
2 mins ago. Kenya, Dijohn, Oliver, Osiris, Nevaeh, Mariah and Madison aka sisters came in. Kenya: Why this idiot? Oliver: Kenya that is mean but true at the same time. Osiris: Gotdang it I hate Peyton- Sometimes. Dijohn: I hate school and Pey too! Nevaeh: I like Pey she is nice. Kenya: Have you even met her?! Mariah: Hey guys listen I don't care about "Pey" I just came here to learn... Okay... now move Ken I got to work! Kenya: I don't blame you, excuse me!
4 minutes earlier. Dreylan, Janiah, Ji'Kyece, Laura, Braylon and Leilani both arrived TARDY. Dreylan: No, I prayed that she would not be here... PRAYED!!! Janiah: You prayed, I PRAYED 23 Times!! Ji'Kyece: Me, 45. Laura: Enough! Save that for if its really important! Braylon: And this is not Important!? Leilani: You guys are acting 2 year olds... 2 YEAR OLDS!!!! lets just find our seats... I mean come on, we did all of our work yesterday today will just be fun and games!! Laura: Yeah!!!
3 mins later. David, Ysabella, Kingston, Jazzlyn, Dylan,Tre'von and Jarod came in the classroom. David: Whyyyyyyyyyy! Ysabella: It should be time for Ms.Sumrall and Mrs.Lewis to get back from their stupid Teacher Trip! Kingston: Exactly! Jazzlyn: What are you guys so pissed off about? Dylan: oooooooo....oooooooo....ooooo!!! Tre'von: You said the P word! Jarod: Yeah We telln you momi! Ha...Ha...ha...ha...ha..ha...haeha! Jazzlen mama is goin to be so Mad! Jazzlen: Oh shut up witch face!!!!!!! 23 minutes later. Raymond,Y'uree, Elijah, Jessica and Bryson arrived TARDY As WELL As TARDY. Raymond: Nooooooooo! Y'uree: Yesssssss! Y'uree said yes in a sarcastic way. Jessica: whyyyy what did I do! Elijah: Man I hate School... HATE IT!!! Bryson: Wanna know who I do hate. Anthony and Peyton. Jessica: Because of that long pause thing? Bryson: Yesss, but thats not the point in this situwaytion! Raymond: True! Y'uree: True to that.
45 mins later. Peyton: Will class, hehe I sound so stupid right now but anyway we have 45 pages in our reading book to read, oh my bad... chapters! Anthony: Really? Bryson: She just said we have 45 chapters to read! Were you even listening?! Anthony: I was NOT TA- Peyton: Uh hmmm? Anthony: What...ever. Peyton: Okay guys enough of the mouth moving and more of the reading!!! Jessica: Will my book is tore in the middle section! Peyton: Gasp!!!! Fine I'll fix it! You big cry baby. Jessica: Thanks?
All the kids came in late about around 10:10 a.m. Kingston: Help! Navaya: Shush! Hey guys we're just reviewing things since you know were in "school", and Peyton is still in charge! Ysabella: Wait why is she in charge? David: Will in contrast Mrs.Lewis and Ms.Sumrall have not returned from their so-one calls it "Vacation" so they put Peyton in charge of us since their is no substitute! Janiah: That sounds soooo stupid! David: Will do you know a substitute? Janiah: No! David: Well then.
Kenya B. You
25 minutes ago. Jacob , Nariyah, Dallas, Isaiah ,Dylan , E'Mya, Kimbriel were LATE aswell as the TARDYS. Jacob: Dang to dang! Nariyah: Totally not funny peyt. not funny! Dallas: Yeah...yeah...yeah! Isaiah: Guys stop! Dylan: What now your on her SIDE? Traitor! E'mya: He has a point Isaiah! Kimbriel: Hahahahaahahahahahahhahahaahahahahahahahahahahaahah. sureeee doe. To be contienuded
2,4,6,8 your staying up to late 2,4,6,8 all I do is master bait
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
My "choco" is too "late" for lunch.
Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollars at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. WHEN I GO OUTSIDE TOMORROW THERE BETTER BE SOMETHING THAT GOES FROM 0 to 200 IN 6 SECONDS". Bill Says, "Ok". The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it..It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.
When you’re trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire. Shit, have I had to suck a lot of cock lately!?
There was a boy in the gym who was in his late teens. He was sitting at the dumbells tables but he wasn't lifting. He instead, sat up and was ripping something up. The manager then walked over to him, and asked "You're hogging the dumbells, dude! What are you even doing?" The boy hesitated, then said "Getting ripped, wanna join me?" as he held up stacks of blank paper. The man silently sat on the table with him and grabbed some papers. "Why not?" he finally said.
Times have been so tough lately I have had to jerk off the dog just to feed the cat.
Why was the asian late to class
His 1 minute rice took 2 minutes to cook
What do you call a person who's got their wisdom tooth removed too late?
Dumb
You know why teacher punished dairy milk.. 🍫🍫?? Answer : because he was choco_'late' to school.. 🏣
My dad...came over late at night...he was drunk...he started telling me how useless I was...then I went to the kitchen grabbed a knife and stabbed him in the chest 47 times......3 minutes later......he died........now I’m losing mind..and cutting myself....
1 your so dumb you thing Cheerios are donut seeds! 2. Your so fat you could sell shade! 3. Your just like coconut water, nobody likes you! 4 you been shopping lately because there selling lives around the corner, you should go get one! If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence !! Are these good
Why is time important? To not be late
Why was the giraffe 🦒 late to work?
Because it got caught in a giraffic jam.
