Home jokes
"I don't want to go on my at-home history."
- My friend, anon 2019.
I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"
I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.
Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.
Random person: What stuff? đ¤¨
Me: What?
The person: You said youâre going to pick up âthe stuffâ!!! What do you mean by that?!
Me: Colourful flamingo fart.
A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.
The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!
My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus đ. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: đ How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" đ So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"
Memes
So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.
What do you call a homeless orphan?
Homo-less.
Why does an orphan hate playing baseball?
Because it has no home base.
Why donât orphans play baseball? Cause they donât know where home is!
Why do orphans like the movie Home Alone?
Because they're home alone themselves!
When you get home and see your parents with your grades in their hands.
Twenty minutes later, they're slapping you with the belt.
Why are orphans always at school?
'Cause they can't be homeschooled.
I fell in love with my teacher.
Which is weird because I am home schooled.
My willy was feeling itchy, so I decided to go to the doctor.
My doctor was foreign and spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. As I returned home, I noticed my willy was gone! Pessi stole my PENis thinking it was a Penalty just so he could statpad. SHAME ON YOU!
Why does the army take orphans as fighter jet pilots?
Because homing missiles donât work on them.
Yo mama is so stupid, when she took a trip to Disneyland and a sign on the highway said âDisney left,â she went home.
Why do orphans play baseball?
Because they have to run back to home base.
Why do orphans want an iPhone S? Because it has a home screen.
When I get home from school, I always lay on my floor crying and wishing I was dead.
Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because there is no home plate.