Home jokes

I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.

What is the difference between an orphan and a snake?

A snake has a home to go to underground.

Orphans must hate 2020 because you need a home to homeschool.

I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"

I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.

"I don't want to go on my at-home history."

- My friend, anon 2019.

I found a dog outside a store, so I took him home with me.

The dog was standing outside a blind supplies store.

Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.

Random person: What stuff? 🤨

Me: What?

The person: You said you’re going to pick up “the stuff”!!! What do you mean by that?!

Me: Colourful flamingo fart.

A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.

The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.

Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!

My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"

So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.

What do you call a homeless orphan?

Homo-less.

My cousin really loves baseball.

He always brags about how many home runs he hit in the minors.

Why does an orphan hate playing baseball?

Because it has no home base.

Why do orphans play baseball?

Because they have to run back to home base.

Even if you do burn down an orphanage, it's not gonna matter. It's not like they have homes.

Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because there is no home plate.

When I get home from school, I always lay on my floor crying and wishing I was dead.

Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!

My balls when I see Tazzaro: boioioioioioing.

Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!

Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!

Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!

Why do orphans like the movie Home Alone?

Because they're home alone themselves!