My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!
Home Jokes
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."
Why do orphans become criminals? To know what it’s like to be wanted.
Why are orphans bad at poker? They don’t know what a full house is.
I saw a child crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. Bad move. I got fired from my job at the orphanage.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion? Me time.
Did you know? The letter ‘f’ in orphan stands for family.
What is an orphan’s least favorite song? We Are Family.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite TV show? Family Guy.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite movie? Meet the Parents.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite type of music? House.
What’s an orphan’s least favorite store? Home Depot.
What’s an orphan’s favorite band? Foster the People.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.
Where do orphan chickens end up? Foster Farms.
What beer do orphans drink? Foster’s.
Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What do you call a fish with no parents? An orfin.
Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it’s the only love they get.
Me: Are you an orphan? Orphan: Yes, what gave me away? Me: Your parents.
Where do orphans shop for home appliances?
Why am I so successful?
When I was told to go big or go home, I only had one option.
A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."
What do you call an orphan?
Homeless.
Friend: Hey, wanna race home?
Orphan: What home?
Why don’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t find home.
We're taking the orphans to the movies. We are watching Spiderman: No Way Home.
What's one thing a homing missile can't kill?
An orphan.
For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.
What's the difference between an orphan and a baseball player?
The baseball player knows where home base is.
I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.
Now I can’t get it to shut up.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home.
What's the worst part about burning your vegetables before dinner?
Explaining what happened to the nursing home while you're hungry.
Little Johnny sits on a chair. He notices he is sitting on something. Then he sees a plastic di**. He asks his mom, "What's that?" and Mom didn't know, so when his dad comes home from work, he sees him with the plastic di** and says, "Son, why you messing with my personal toy?"
An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"
A girl came to my house. She said, "Where are your parents?" I started crying.
There was one kid that came home from school and asked his mom what dark humor was.
She said, "Well son, do you see that guy over there across the road? Go give him a high-five."
Son said, "But I can't see."
Mom said, "That's the point."
