Historical figure jokes
Lemme tell you a little story.
It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow… then faster.
So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.
Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.
And finally… you peel back the last plank.
And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.
BOOOOOOO!!!!
It’s Anne Frank.
Hitler walked so Kim can run.
Did you know the past tense of William Shakespeare is Wouldiwas Shookspeared?
You telling me Julius Caesar, who has been dead for well over 50 years, made this salad?
Your hairline's so messed up that even Martin Luther King Jr. couldn't have a dream about it.
Why can't Cleopatra ride a bicycle?
Because she's dead.
My great-great-great grandpa killed Hitler.
Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.
"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.
"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"
New civil war themed porn title: “Harriet Tubman gets hit with something other than an iron ingot.”
You know Hitler loves you when he comes up to you on Valentine's Day and he says, "Will you be my Valenein?"
What did Hitler get for his 6th birthday?
A Kewpie burger and an Easy-Bake Oven.
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
In tiny Knotsies.
Jesus created the T-pose first.
What’s the difference between emos and Hitler?
Hitler didn’t post on social media when he wanted to kill himself.
Nobody
Literally nobody
Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?
I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.
Did you know Helen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.
When you are trying to write a speech about Columbus, don't make a joke that he was on a seafood diet because the audience might think you and Columbus were fat. You know, 'see food, eat everything.'
Whoever kills Hitler goes to heaven. Oh, wait... nevermind...
You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"
You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."