Historical figure jokes

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

You telling me Julius Caesar, who has been dead for well over 50 years, made this salad?

I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.

What do you call Adolf Hitler in a pool? Adolfin.

My great-great-great grandpa killed Hitler.

Your hairline's so messed up that even Martin Luther King Jr. couldn't have a dream about it.

How does Hitler tie his shoes?

In tiny Knotsies.

Did you know the past tense of William Shakespeare is Wouldiwas Shookspeared?

What do emo kids and Hitler have in common?

There's gonna be more brains on the wall when they lose something.

You know Hitler loves you when he comes up to you on Valentine's Day and he says, "Will you be my Valenein?"

Whoever kills Hitler goes to heaven. Oh, wait... nevermind...

What’s the difference between emos and Hitler?

Hitler didn’t post on social media when he wanted to kill himself.

New civil war themed porn title: “Harriet Tubman gets hit with something other than an iron ingot.”

Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line, he comes across a woman who isn't saluting.

"Why are you not saluting like the others?" Hitler barks.

"Mein Führer, I'm the nurse," she responds. "I'm not crazy!"

Nobody

Literally nobody

Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?

Hitler walked so Kim can run.

Whoever killed Adolf Hitler is MY hero!

Jesus created the T-pose first.

Why does Hitler deserve heaven? Because he killed Hitler.

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."