DoS jokes

What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?

They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.

A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator.

How do emos compliment each other?

They say, "I like your cuts g."

What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?

Cocaine.

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?

They lost two towers.

How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.

I don't always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.

what do you call a suicide bomber that loves water? a bath bomb.

You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

The rooster says... "cock-a-doodle-doo." The prostitute says... "any cock will do."

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?

Little boys' pants half off.

One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."

Why do orphans like Batman? They are 50% like him.

Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?

My friend: Chunky dunks.

*on a date*

me - "I get to work with animals all day."

her - "How sweet! What do you do?"

me - "I'm a butcher."

How do you win an argument against a emo? kick the chair.