DoS jokes
How do you stop a heterosexual woman from sucking your dick? piss inside her mouth
Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?
Half of the class: *raises hand*
Teacher: ...
The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*
What do Michelangelo and Hitler have in common?
They both used their brain to paint the ceiling.
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
How do emos compliment each other?
They say, "I like your cuts g."
Memes
What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pedophile? Alien vs Predator.
What does Johnny Depp do when his kids are not home?
Cocaine.
What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
The rooster says... "cock-a-doodle-doo." The prostitute says... "any cock will do."
How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?
They lost two towers.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
How do you trick a Catholic priest into using the glory hole at an adult bookstore? Tell him it is a confessional booth.
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
How do you get four prostitutes on one chair?
You turn it upside down.
I don't always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
what do you call a suicide bomber that loves water? a bath bomb.
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?
My friend: Chunky dunks.
What do Catholic priests and JCPenny's have in common?
Little boys' pants half off.
What do you call an Asian who can't hear?
Wha U Sai
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.