Dog jokes
The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.”
“Of course it is,” said Johnny. “It’s the same dog.”
What do you call a house with dog hair?
A shed.
I live in China and we have no food. We have to eat Chinese food, so I called my dog over.
You know I used to call my dogs' balls the Twin Towers, until they came rumbling down.
"Meow, meow, I'm a dog," said the sped kid.
Once, there was a woman who had a husband and a dog. The husband dies.
The dog would always sleep under the bed, and when the woman would go to sleep, she'd put her hand down, and the dog would lick it to say she/he was alright. One night, it was thunderstorming. She put her hand down and the dog licked normally. She heard the dog whimper, so she put her hand down like normal, as the dog always does, he/she licks her hand.
Then she heard dripping coming from the bathroom, so she went to go stop the leaking that might be coming from the tap, but the tap wasn't on, nor was it dripping. She turns on the light and looks up at the roof to see if the roof was leaking but turns out her dog was hung by its head above the bathtub.
On the mirror it said, "Humans can lick too," in the dog's blood.
This is a true story, don't be afraid to look it up!
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
Which dog is owned by a kid called "Charlie Brown," raps, and smokes?
Snoopy Dog.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Disabled.
I asked my dog this morning how her week's been going--she said "ruff." I feel her, you know? I feel her.
What's the difference between an orphan and a dog?
One of them is actually loved.
What's the difference between a dog and a foster child?
A dog doesn't run to the police after you beat it.
A woman brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.
The woman doesn't believe it and requests further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his head and leaves the room with his tail low.
The woman, still not convinced, demands more examinations. The vet gets one of his cats. It walks around the hamster and pets it. After some time it shakes her head and runs off quickly.
"Fine, I believe you now," the woman says, "my beloved hamster is dead." "I'm sorry for your loss," the vet replies. "Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars," says the vet. "What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead?" The woman says shocked.
The vet replies: "No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died, 500 dollars for the lab report and 1000 dollars for the CAT scan."
Did you know China wanted to send a dog to space?
They didn't because they ate it.
What is a kid's favorite thing to do with their dad?
Play pretend dog in the bed.
Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?
That's what happened to my dog.
what's the difference between a dog and a dad? The dog comes back.
The 🦅 asked the female eagle, "What did you eat?"
"I ate New York hot dogs."
My dog stepped on a bee, My child spilt my tea, I drank my hot tea, I broke my bloody knee, Now I'm lying in agony, And I'm devastated with no glee.
(Again, credits to my really funny friend)
I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."