Do jokes
Why do people never kick their own balls?
Because they might lose one!
How do you get a baby in a box? With a blender.
Why do emo kids drink only herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Me: Hey God, are you there? It's me, Michael.
God: *SILENCE*
Me: If any gods exist, they better say or do something this instant!
God: *SILENCE*
What do Hitler's gas "shower" and guns have in common? They both kill someone.
Memes
What do you get when you cut an onion?
Onion jizz.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and all over their land.
What do you call a teen wizard who just went through puberty?
Hairy Potter.
"Hitler and Goring are standing atop the Berlin radio tower. Hitler says he wants to do something to put a smile on Berliners' faces.
So Goring says: 'Why don't you jump?'"
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."
If you’re ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?
What do you call a flat-chested emo?
Why do orphans have water with their cereal?
Because their dad never came back.
"Fuck you, do something about it!"
How do you beat Hellen Keller in musical chairs?
You move the chairs.
Why do orphans go to church?
Because there they have a father.
How do you fit 3 gay men on a bar stool?
Flip it upside down.
What do blind people and orphans have in common?
They both can’t see their parents.
What do you call a sharpened pencil? You call a sharpened pencil a sharpened pencil.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.