Do jokes
What would Stephen Hawking do to get drunk?
Overcharge himself.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Your father.
What do you call a whiteboard that is dirty?
A dirty whiteboard.
I love balls, bro. So do you.
Do you know why in France there is a cheese named "fromage à râpe?"
Because the cheese got raped.
Memes
Why can't orphans have sex?
They do not have anyone to call "daddy."
What do computer programming and 9/11 have in common?
They're both inside jobs.
What do you call a dead hooker?
It doesn't matter, she won't answer you.
How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.
What do you call a stupid male Indian?
"Anshu-man."
What do you call a blind German?
A Nazi.
So, y'all remember Hitler, right?
Ok, so I own a gun with Nazi rounds. I shot a guy who was entering my home who wasn't invited. He said, "Did you shoot me with Nazi rounds?" Then I said, "Do you mean 'nein' millimeter?"
What do you call an octopus with eight legs? An octo-pussy!
How do you make a plumber cry?
Break his pipes...
What do you get when you cross an eagle with a lion?
A griffin.
My Bff: Hey do want any coffee?
Me: Yeh, of course.
My Bff: Ok which one?
Me: You know... the black one.
Me: Like my soul...
My Bff: Jeez you ok?
If you ever get bored, just punch an orphan. I mean, what are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
So I came across a guy who was carrying a ton of clothing and makeup.
And I asked him what he is doing.
Guy: Some kawaii girl told me if I bought and brought her this crap, she would let me play with her tits.
Me: Erm... Are you a simp?
Two minutes later, the guy arrived at Kawaii Girl's house.
KG: You have it?
Guy: Yup, now can I play with them?
KG: Sure!
KG then went to her room.
Guy: Ohhhh, I know what your going to do. You're gonna call me over and you will be-
KG then held a bird cage with two birds in it.
KG: Have fun playing with them!
Guy: WHAT THE FU-
Little Johnny walked into class with a black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have a black eye?"
Johnny said, "Well, me and my parents have to share a bed, and my dad asked me if I was asleep and I said no, so he smacked me."
The teacher said, "Well tonight, don't say anything."
The next day, Johnny walked in with another black eye, and the teacher said, "Why do you have another black eye?" Little Johnny said, "Well, last night, I did what you said and didn't say anything when my dad asked me if I was asleep. A few minutes later, my dad said he was coming, and my mom said she was coming too. They usually don't go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me, I'm coming too.'"
What do you call a hot Mac Book Pro?
A Mac Daddy Pro.