Dick's jokes
Suck my dick when you lay. I have to say you are gay.
Watching porn.
Watching porn blow my dick like a basset horn.
I can NOT take any responsibility and credit for this, it just said what's your favourite joke so I'm writing it in favor of them: A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny.
The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”
What is italian sausage?
The dick of a gay italian.
Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?
So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.
How does a gay man trick a heterosexual man that is homophobic into giving him a brojob?
The gay man puts mustard on his dick and then puts his dick inside a glory hole.
How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you?
I'm a heterosexual man that is so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.
How much of a homophobic heterosexual man are you? I'm so homophobic I won't suck a big dick that has ketchup on it.
Why do feminists eat so much pussy?
To get the taste of dick out of their mouths.
Does it cycle now, you stupid bitches?
Why are feminists always against men?
Because men can piss with something that they can't: piss with dicks.
How do you know when you should tell a heterosexual woman to stop sucking your dick?
When there is blood coming out of your dick instead of sperm.
How do you stop a heterosexual woman from sucking your dick? piss inside her mouth
I was walking down the street when I saw this dude just vibing. He was telling every guy that walked by if his dick was bigger than theirs, they have to give him 50 bucks.
Long story short, I walked away with 100 bucks that day.
What do five dicks sticking out of glory holes and five udders both have in common? They are ready for milking.
Why did the Catholic priest suck dick at a glory hole?
Because someone asked him what he would do for a Klondike bar.
Circumcision is like getting your dick sucked by a female. If you did not like it when you were a teenager, you probably will not like it when you become an adult.
Why does a heterosexual man believe that if a heterosexual man gets his dick sucked by another heterosexual man it's called a "brojob"?
Because it's male bonding.
If a heterosexual man wanted his dick sucked, what would a feminist say to him that a gay man would never say to him?
"Not now, I have a headache."
Why don't feminists like to eat hotdogs? Because they remind them of men's dicks.
So my son came up to me and said, "Hey, Dad, I’m hungry." So I replied "Hi, Hungry, I’m Dad."
And then I feed him my dick.