What does weed and the Carolina Panthers have in common?
They both get smoked in bowls.
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
Ever had that feeling that suicidal people are a big contributor to the razor blade industry?
Well, they aren't.
Why?
They aren't repeated customers.
Why can't people eat pizza? Because they will be unavailable.
What do eating a watermelon, rolling a cigarette, and eating a hippie chick out have in common?
Spit, spit, spit!
Adopting a kid is like having a yard sale! I mean, if the owners don't want it anymore, what makes you think I want it?
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I drip when you take me in the mouth, what am I? Ice cream.
What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?
Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.
Why do people eat food?
Coz it tastes good lol.
When you want Pringles, but a fat person was eating them, there were only three left, sweety.
Eat this, peppe.
What's the difference between a hooker and a burrito?
I don't eat burritos.
I was going to give my wife chocolates, but my fat friends ate them.
Wife: "You don't even have friends!"
What do you call someone 400lbs with a beer? A heavy drinker.
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.
How much curry can an Indian eat? Until his red dot explodes.
When I found out that 10 billion bowls of soup are consumed each year in AMERICA, I thought to myself, "I thought soup was healthy. Apparently not!"
I was walking to the store, and then this boy told me, "I'm an orphan and I have no money." He wanted M\&Ms. I gave him a family-sized bag.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long for fat people.
