Before jokes

What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?

I don't f**k a sandwich before I eat it.

Who was the meanest man in the world?

He raped Helen Keller and threw her down a well, but not before cutting off her fingers so she couldn't yell for help.

What did my dad say before he went to go get milk?

"There's money in my wallet for pizza. I love you."

What's the difference between Andy and acne?

Acne waited until Adam could talk before coming on his face.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

If I were an object in this world, I'd be a glass! Because if you leave me when I'm too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I'm a star! Because one of these days, I'm going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I'd be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I'm like the sun; I'm painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I'm like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I'd be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I'm like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it's dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I'm like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I'm like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I'm like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I'm like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I'm like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can't afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me....

What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?

Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.

I remember my mom's last words before her divorce, "Did you just load in me?"

What are the last two words you say after sex before going to sleep?

"Goodnight, Mom!"

Yo momma is so fat, her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.

Your hairline goes so far back it left before your dad did.

What did the orphan's mum say before she abandoned her child?

OH it's a bitch.

Your soul is black. I have 4 guns, little kid. Get in the van before I shoot you!

Yo mama is so fat that she got on the scale, and it says, "Lose some pounds before you get on the scale, or it will break!"

Why did the NBA remove the glory hole from the men's locker room?

Too many black basketball players sucking too many white cocks before the game.

A teacher says, "What comes before 47?" Quiet kid: "AK!"

What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.

What did a jockey's manager say to him before the race?

"Use the horse!"

Stephen Hawking had a heart attack the year before his death.

They took him to PC World for repairs.

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"