Before jokes

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window, and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”

The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window, and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down, and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.” I know.

Couldn't believe how much of a bad mood my work mate was in this morning. So I decided to ask him what was the matter and if everything was OK with his wife, Flo.

He then broke down crying and said when he got home the night before, he caught his wife in bed with the plumber. I tried to console him as best as I could, but he just couldn't get over flow.

What do you call an orphan with parents?

Idk, I never met one before.

Bonus joke: I went up to an orphan and asked where his parents were. He said, "I don’t have any." I said, "Wonder why."

Another bonus joke: Me: Hey. Orphan: Hey. Me: What do you do for fun? Orphan: Look for my parents. Me: Me, so they're not dead? Orphan: No, they just abandoned me.

More bonus: What do you call a homeless kid?

An orphan.

Last bonus: Why don’t orphanages teach kids about home?

Because they can’t find one.

lmao this is so funny, dark humor can be funny. Sorry, orphans!

Did Jesus die virgin? Nope, he got nailed before he died.

What is the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits for a boy to turn twelve before it comes on his face.

My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.

I slip on the wet floor, haha silly water :)

-Kachow!!!!!!!!!!!

-LMQ, You know what comes before lighting? THUNDER KACHIGA

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 2 beers." The bartender gives him two beers and coughs in the guy's beer bottles before giving it to him. The guy says to the bartender, "Hey, what are you doing? I didn't order Bud Lights, I want Corona beer." The bartender replies, "Sir, I gave you a mix of Bud Light and Corona, and it's on the house, everyone is drinking Corona tonight."

History teacher: "They had a temporary cure for the disease, but it would be years before they found a cure for life."

Student: "I need that."

Your hairline goes further back, even further back than the Precambrian Time.

What is the difference between Paul Walker and the Queen?

Paul Walker passed 100 before he died.

Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

Your hairline is so far back it was back on before Jesus Christ was born.

The water in the shower evaporates before it reaches you.

Yo mama's so fat, her belly button gets home 15 minutes before she does.

Why did the FBI get a foster family for an orphan?

So he could be in a lovely family before death.

Yo momma's so old that even scientists get baffled about where she lived before Earth was created.

Me before: Why do bandanas exist? They're ugly.

Me after seeing your hairline: Oh, I seeee.

Me giving pro tip: Get a bandana LMAO.

Why do orphans watch "The Nightmare Before Christmas"?

Answer: Oogie Boogie is ugly, so they want to be ugly.

Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a fruit joke.