Before jokes

Did Jesus die virgin? Nope, he got nailed before he died.

My mom said to go do the dishes, but she did them before me, so I killed myself.

What is the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits for a boy to turn twelve before it comes on his face.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

I slip on the wet floor, haha silly water :)

-Kachow!!!!!!!!!!!

-LMQ, You know what comes before lighting? THUNDER KACHIGA

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 2 beers." The bartender gives him two beers and coughs in the guy's beer bottles before giving it to him. The guy says to the bartender, "Hey, what are you doing? I didn't order Bud Lights, I want Corona beer." The bartender replies, "Sir, I gave you a mix of Bud Light and Corona, and it's on the house, everyone is drinking Corona tonight."

The water in the shower evaporates before it reaches you.

Why don't pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

They just wash up on shore.

Why do orphans watch "The Nightmare Before Christmas"?

Answer: Oogie Boogie is ugly, so they want to be ugly.

Yo momma's so old that even scientists get baffled about where she lived before Earth was created.

Your hairline is so far back it was back on before Jesus Christ was born.

Yo mama's so fat, her belly button gets home 15 minutes before she does.

Me before: Why do bandanas exist? They're ugly.

Me after seeing your hairline: Oh, I seeee.

Me giving pro tip: Get a bandana LMAO.

Why did the FBI get a foster family for an orphan?

So he could be in a lovely family before death.

Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a fruit joke.

I waved to you before, but you never sea me because you're so washed up.

What is the difference between Paul Walker and the Queen?

Paul Walker passed 100 before he died.

Your hairline goes further back, even further back than the Precambrian Time.

When does Friday come before Thursday?

In the dictionary.

What does a sprinter eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!