Bars jokes
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he's drinking a magical drink. He asks, "What's so magical about it?" The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, "Y'know, you're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
What did one condom say to the other condom as they were passing a gay bar? "Let's go get shit faced!"
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, cute lady!"
Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."
Man: "Not for long!"
And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.
Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"
Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."
Woman: "Never."
And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.
Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"
Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"
And then the man orders flowers and candy.
Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."
And the man shoots the bartender.
Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.
Two blondes walk into a bar. I thought one of them would have seen it.
So I walked into this bar and thought, "Wow, this is a dull joke."
I don't like jokes.
These two guys were at a bar flirting with these girls. The guy says, "Are you a parking ticket, 'cause you got fine written all over you?"
The girl turns and says, "How about you pay for them, and then I can pay you back with me getting all over you?"
A guy went to a bar and said to a friend that he found a girl on the railroads and said they had the best sex ever.
His friend asked, "Did you get any head?"
The guy said, "No, I couldn't find it."
An Indian guy and an American guy in a wheelchair met in a bar for drinks.
The American guy got drunk and fell on the sidewalk.
The Indian guy got drunk and walked away.
A black man entered a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "That looks exotic, where’d you get it?"
"Africa," the parrot responded.
A priest, a pedo, and a rapist walk into a bar and that's just the first guy.
A Russian walked into a bar... unlucky for him, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
So, Helen Keller walks into a bar... And then a table.
What is six inches, has nuts, and is hard?
A sinkers bar.
Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
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Why did the pope drink horse piss? Because a priest asked him what would he do for a Klondike bar? 🤪 😜
So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.
A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.
After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.
After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?