And jokes

A guy was annoyed in a store. I walk up to him and said, "What's wrong, buddy? Don't worry, it's not like you're on an abandoned isle!"

How do you make Alabama cookies?

Put them in a big bowl and beat for three hours.

I was in Alabama last year. I walked into a store and noticed a couple kissing each other, and I said, "Excuse me, where is the bathroom?" and the man said, "Right over there." I went into the bathroom and then heard the girl say, "Dad, I have to go to school soon!"

Guys tell me that I have a MILF for a mom. So I told my mom that guys tell me that she is a MILF. My mom said to me, "What is a MILF?" so I said, "Mother I'd Like TO F-ck." So my mom started to laugh and said, "Well, you do need a new step dad."

"Harry Hicks smells of home. Homo is an infection, and infections are made up of atoms."

A Texan and an Alaskan walk in a room. The Alaskan says, "My state is bigger than yours." The Texan says, "It won't be when it melts!"

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?

Kids won't eat the broccoli.

I work at a bank and an old woman asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

What’s the difference between your mum and your nan?

Your nan's a GILF!

What is the difference between you and my dad?

Nothing.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a train? The train will touch me.

What's the difference between 5 cocks and a joke? I can't take a joke.

I told my dad to get me a packet of cigarettes, he never came back.

AND I still didn't get my FUCKING CIGARETTES!

What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?

One does not crow when you put it in an oven.

I had the BEST day EVER.

1: I woke up.

2: I met someone I'm sad about.

3: I had fun and got them back again online.

But sadly the order was 2nd, 3rd, 1st... XD

What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady?

Answer: You can unscrew a lightbulb, but you can’t unscrew a lady.

When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."

Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were just texting.

What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.

Your dick is like a shotgun, one cock and you're ready to fire.