And jokes

You’re so short, you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.

This morning, I was in the kitchen, and I saw a whole bunch of leftover brownies made from scratch. I just tasted one and spit it out because somebody put some goddamn weed in them, what the fuck!

Q: I often think I'm ugly, but then I think of my sister and get over it.

I tried to calculate 3/(my life), and I kept getting zero.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

He placed the chocolates and the flowers down beside her.

Silence...

And then at last she spoke...

"Unexpected item in the bagging area."

When you want to see and smell your ex for the last time, look at a ugly dog, and smell the garbage.

What time is it when you get home, can walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk walk home from school and walk walk home from school and walk walk home?

🏡 night time and I can drive to the car tomorrow night.

What is the difference between the human and a tree and a house that has to walk home and walk walk home from school? Was your name in your house? I did not have any good time for dinner today, but I did have a good night's sleep.

What is the difference between a tree and "walk walk home from school and walk walk home and walk walk home from school and walk home"?

Was your birthday?

What is yellow and brings kids to school every day?

What is the difference between a tree and "walk walk" home from a tree house? 🏠

What is a good night's sleep?

I haven't a clue!

Kid at school tells an orphan, "I fucked your mom."

Orphan: "What's a mom?"

Good day today, love you. Walk in love day and a walk home night. Night, night. I did not get snow. I love it is the day that we get a tree. I have to go get some sleep. Was good day at school today, but I’m going to be...

Good day tomorrow, and what day are they still good today? Good time. Love day! A great night time and...

Why did Mrs. Henderson get a divorce from her husband, Harry?

She was tired of everyone calling the family "Hairy" and the Hendersons.

Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!

So I went to the bank and a lady asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

What's an orphan's favorite movie?

"Spider-Man: Homecoming."