And jokes

A lesbian couple and a gay couple are going to San Francisco. Who made it first?

The lesbian couple got there lickety-split.

The gay couple was still packing their shit.

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

The fact I couldn't hear the announcements at my school because the boys in my advisory are clapping with no hands should be a joke just in itself. They were making sexual faces as well, oh, and don't forget the moaning they do.

Why the hell would I go to a shooting range when I could go to school and do it for free?

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

I don’t know why I go to the gym. Being healthy is dying as fast as possible, and I really want to speed that shit up.

What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and on their land.

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

What’s the difference between Mexicans and stoners?

Stoners have papers.

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.

Your mom's ass is so petite and big, I'd pound that till the Earth shakes.

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.

Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

A pedophile and a priest run a race.

You can’t beat yourself in a race!

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?

Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.

What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.

The definition of the word "Disappointment" means running into a wall with a boner and breaking your nose.