And jokes

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this – a joke?”

I reached into my pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and thought,

"Some asshole has my pen!"

A Mario & Luigi joke.

What are the Mario bros' view on child support?

Mario: The parents are obligated to provide for the child and help them the best they could.

Luigi: LMAO I GOTTA GO!

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

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Me and my friends are going to create a Steps tribute band. We are all in wheelchairs, so we are going to be called "Ramps."

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

I go to get my mail.

Stranger: "Something fell out of your pocket! April fools!"

Me: "You're adopted, April fools!"

Then I see an orphan behind me and gets all excited.

Mr. Smith lived in an apartment. In the apartment, he went to the elevator and went to the 16th floor. Then he went to the 21st floor by 5 stairs every morning. Why did he do that?

Because he was too short! So he pressed the highest button he could and walked to his apartment.

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parent's names?"

The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling."

The teacher said, "Are you kidding?"

The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother, I am Joking."

Q: What do kidnappers and rapists have in common?

H: It's similar to shoes.

A: White Vans.

If you try to fail and you succeed, which one did you do?

What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman?

Batman returns.

What is the difference between Harry Houdini and everyone else in my life? Harry was the only person not to disappear.

What’s got 4 wheels, does a barrel roll, and goes from green to red in seconds?

Kermit in a car crash.

I went to the store and bought Minecraft Java Edition.

I found a village, burned it down, and then I went home and played Minecraft.

My friend came over to my house. He asked where my girlfriend was, and I told him she is in the garden.

He said, "That's weird, I didn't see her." I said, "You have to dig a little."

You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?

You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.

What's the difference between apples and orphans?

Apples get picked.

If trees were sentient, they would make their furniture out of bone, flesh, and blood.

Now ain't that cool?