I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad
I’m a faux pa.
I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’ I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’
Me: I been up all night, no sleep—
The lie detector I didn’t know I had: lie.
Me: stfu! I’m just singing!
Lie detector: you literally listen to music all the time... you almost don’t even sleep!
Me: THEN WHY THE FUCK DID TOU SAY IT’S A LIE, WHEN I SAID I DIDN’T SLEEP?!
lie detector: it’s 3:00 AM in 8 minutes, you usually close your eyes to sleep when it’s 5:00 AM....... You get waken up at 7:00 AM...... you only sleep two hours......
why do Pepole have a all of money and they have to spend it on jewelry 24/7 all the time
"Fuckin blakfellas be drunk all the time." slurred Barry McKenzie over his tenth pint of guiness.
Is your name suicide because I think about you all the time
Why don’t I shut myself all the time. I can only fit so many pares of kid in my mouth and stomach at the same time.
being a police officer in Nunavut must be so fun. they get to play Cut the rope on the job all the time!
after standing in line staring at mcdonalds menu for 17 minutes] me: ok im ready. can you help me not be sad all the time
A friend of mine says Baguette all the time cuz she is French
Lemme just say one thing:
Depression is not funny. 2 of my best friends have it and its actually quite hard to watch them suffer with it. They cry all the time, they get upset all the time, they either have wanted to or still do want to kill themselves. Its really not funny to joke about depression.
