Alcohol consumption jokes

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?

When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

The average Irish person consumes 131.1 litres of beer, almost as much as your mum at night.

I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.