Alcohol consumption jokes

How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?

When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

The average Irish person consumes 131.1 litres of beer, almost as much as your mum at night.

I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.