Alcohol consumption jokes

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?

When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.

The average Irish person consumes 131.1 litres of beer, almost as much as your mum at night.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

You're an alcoholic!

This is why they don't want to sell the Double Manhattan in pubs anymore.

Remember: Alcohol doesn't solve your problems, but neither does milk or water.

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.