Alcohol consumption jokes

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?

When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

The average Irish person consumes 131.1 litres of beer, almost as much as your mum at night.

I call my girlfriend .05 because she's a bag I blow into when I've had a few drinks.

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.

Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.