Worst Jokes Ever

Him: *slowly drives past elementary school while looking at kids*

Her: Why are you staring at those kids? *jokingly* Are you like a pedophile or something?

Him: ... At least you know why I love calling you "baby" now~

So, Duracell batteries do run out.

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

What do French ducks say?

Quoi quoi.

Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.

Why are blind people so good at being a Jedi?

They are always swinging a stick.

I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."

Stephen Hawking just died. Have they tried rebooting him to factory settings?

Child predators: "You're so six-y."

His name rhymes with walking and talking, but he can’t do either.

What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?

A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler, but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.

Stephen Hawking's death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.

It sucks that Stephen Hawking died so soon, the new Intel update just came out.

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.

How do you spell racecar backwards?

racecar

How do you spell racecar sideways?

Paul Walker's death.

When Stephen Hawking was feeling hungry, he used to call in to his local PC World for a megabyte and some microchips.

Yo mama is so poor, she asked a homeless guy for money.

What did the mentally retarded kid get on his test?

Drool.