Worst Jokes Ever
A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."
What did the lungs say to the cigar?
"You take my breath away..."
Why did the pedophile cross the road?
Because there was a school on the other side.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Dark, rich, and imported.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Of course not! He got nailed before he died.
What do you call a bad amputation?
A rip-off.
A hot dog and a banana had a race. Who won?
The wiener.
Why did the liberal cross the road?
(Ah, fuck this shit, I'm gonna kill myself!)
I'll never forget my boss's last words: "We shall serve the best meat in our burgers!"
You want to hear a 9/11 joke?
I bet they did too!
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"
Woman two: "Did that work?"
Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."
What do suicidal people do in their spare time?
Hang out.
I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."
What is the difference between Sir Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?
Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.
If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".
But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.
What did the pimp order at the Chinese restaurant?
He ordered some cock-bang-ho.
Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.
Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.
Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.