Worst Jokes Ever

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

I heard an Uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like $40.

You couldn't spit out a good sentence, even if you ate a bowl of alphabet soup.

You wanna hear a suicide joke? Nvm, it didn't make it.

I love necrophilia, but only if it's consensual!

What's great about an emo pizza?

It cuts itself. Yay!

When the guy asks the girl if she's wet, she replies, "Yeah, milky knickers!"

What did Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common?: (What *didn't* they have in common)

Same red shorts, theme park in their backyard, white glove, soft voices, loved children, they both were black with white faces.

How many rapists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Punchline: One, but they prefer soda bottles instead.

Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.

Student: OOFT.

Teacher: Who are we missing?

Student: Your parents.

I don't know why my boyfriend's dad doesn't like me. Maybe because we had sex?

My humour is so dark that its life matters.

Remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

Are you a rope? Because I wanna hang with you.

Boy: Hey! I love you...

Girl: Eww, you are so ugly.

*boy sent a pic of his dic*

Girl: Beauty doesn't matter in love.

"Transgenders men in disguise".... A xxx Transformers parody coming soon to DVD.

What kind of vacuum does an abortion center use? A: Dyson.

I'm going to open a wellness center for ASD kids to be able to express themselves through music and painting. I will call it Artism!

Here is a dark joke for you guys... "Why do pornstars scream, "DADDY!" in their videos? Because they were child molested by their father!"

I just quit my job at a can crushing factory.

It was soda-pressing.