We jokes

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

When your mama went to Sea World, the whales started singing, "We are family, even though you're fatter than me!"

(The plane) we can’t go over it, we can’t go under it. Oh no, we have to go through it.

Your hairline is pushed back; we can see what you are thinking of.

"Hey Kels, what's on your arm?"

"Oh, that was the cat."

"We don't have a cat..."

"Oh..."

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?!”

I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet!”, and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person, he didn't hear the joke.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”

George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”

Bill Clinton asks excitedly: “Do we have time?”

Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.

Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

Ever since we started quarantining, I've only been telling inside jokes.

We aren't ghosts, but I'll take you under the sheets.

We shouldn't call gay guys "fucking cunts" because they aren't fucking cunts, they're fucking assholes.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"

There used to be Wonder Woman.

Now we wonder, what is a woman?

What did the autistic kid say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

"I thought what we had was special!"

Mom, where are we going?

To your grandma's funeral.

Yeah, 'cause I 360 no-scoped that b*tch in the face.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

"If we don't get some support soon, people will start to think we are balls."

Girl: Come over.

Orphan: I can’t.

Girl: My parents aren’t home.

Orphan: Oh, cool, something we have in common.

We gave Erik ten Hag 7-Up after Liverpool thrashed Man Utd 7-0. He said, "F**k you all!"