We jokes

my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.

So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

Orphans are funny cuz all they do is sing "We Are Family."

Boy: "Hey mom, can we have ice cream?"

Orphan: "What's a mom?"

Stormtrooper: What should we do about the failed plan?

Palpatine: Screw it.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

When 9/11 happened, we changed our airport policies. When school shootings happen, we haven't changed anything since the shooting at Columbine in 1999. And we say we want the children to be safe.

Guys, we shouldn't make jokes about 9/11. My dad was a victim.

He was the best pilot in Arab.

Son: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

Dad: "Yes, we arson."

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

The little camel asks his mother: "Mum, why do we have these big humps?"

"Because in these humps there is some water, and in the hot desert we can drink."

"And Mum, why do we have this large fur?"

"Because the desert at night is so cold, and then we don’t feel cold."

"And Mum, why do we got these big hoofs?"

"Because the desert sand is hot, and the hoofs save us from the hot sand."

"But Mum, what the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?"

The barman says, "We don't serve time travelers in here."

A time traveler walks into a bar.

All aboard the Magic School Bus! We are going to New York. The second tower has been hit.

Want to know how to fit 71 people in a car? Two in the front while we handle 69 in the back.

Do trees pee?

How else do we have No. 1 pencils?

My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"

Me "OH NO" 💀

I was playing football and this guy comes to me, he was in a wheelchair.

We started playing rocket league.

What’s the difference between the way you watch porn and I watch porn?

The windows we look through.