Twos jokes

How do you make an elephant float?

One elephant, two scoops of ice cream, and a lot of root beer!

There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, "I'm cold. Are you cold?"

The other cow says, "Yeah, I'm Fresian."

Two twins were talking in class. I threw a paper airplane at one of them.

Yo mama so stupid, she shoved two AA batteries up her ass and started singing, "I’ve Got The Power!"

Two of my grandpas died in WW2.

Their tower fell over.

Two hats are next to each other. One hat says to the other, "Stay here, I'll go on ahead."

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.

The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?

A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.

I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.

Your mama is so fat, she needs two phones to take a picture of herself.

God needed an extra two hands to make your fat ass of a mother.

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

What do you call two Hispanics with Parkinson's disease?

Maracas.

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

Be smart, not stupid.

What is the similarity between math and buildings?

Two parallel lines can be intersected by a plane.

What is the difference between genders and the Twin Towers?

They used to be two, now it's a touchy subject.

What do Drew Bledsoe and the Twin Towers have in common?

They both got taken out by two jets.