Twos jokes

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.

So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

Why can't Asians have a white baby? Because two wongs don't make a white.

Why can't Chinese people have white babies? Because two wrongs don't make a white.

"If two sides in a battlefield read my book, there will be no winner."

Sun Tzu, The Art of War.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Your mum's so fat, she broke Britain too!

Columbine High basketball team will never be good again after they lost their two best shooters.

Q: What did the kid on the airplane say?

A: "Those are two nice towers right there."

What did the two towers make after they died? The One World Trade Center.

My wife is so fat.

She asked me to get on top; I had to get a step ladder. When I got up there, my ears popped, and the air was so thin. I had to have two Sherpas drag me off the mountain.

When I see two lovers' names on a tree, I don’t find it cute or funny. I think, why would they be bringing a knife on a date?

Ur mama so fat she needs two watches because she's in different time zones.

I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.

Two gays are getting ready for Christmas... They are expecting a big package in the mail!

What has 4 legs and two gloves?

All five people on my baseball team. ⚾️

Yo, dad is so stupid, he brought the milk after two years, and he said, "Oh, sorry son. I'm going back to the store. Bye."

Two air vents walked into a bar.

The third one ducted.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. But, unfortunately, it just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie with Batman?

Two family reunions!

How do you ride two bikes at once?

You ride them in tandem!