SOS jokes

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."

I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."

Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:

"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"

Yo mama is so stupid, she thought a jigsaw meant dancing with a saw!

One day an old woman came into the bank and asked me to check her balance... So, I pushed her over.

Yo mama is so fat that when she put on a yellow dress, people called her "taxi."

Yo momma is so ugly, Slenderman runs from her.

It's also why he has no eyes.

Your mama is so ugly, she makes the devil cry.

Yo mama so fat you can see her from 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 galaxies away!

Roses are red, violets are blue.

Your mom is fat and so are you.

Study tip: Laminate your notes so they don't get damaged by the tears!

Why do orphans like boomerangs so much?

Because they come back.

I'm so depressed, I gave my therapist trauma.

Yo mama's so poor that she only watches Frozen to hear Elsa sing "Let It Go."

My sister is so ugly that she had to have a child with me to keep the family tree going.

Yo mama's so fat, when she sat down there was a big earthquake.

Yo mama's so ugly that Sonic needed to go fast to get away from her face.

Your earlobes are so big, you can fit your mom inside of them 5000 times and still have room for more!

Yo mama's teeth are so yellow kids thought they were mini school buses.

"The dad was so horny he wanted to have sex with his wife, but his wife said no, so he fucked his daughter."