Mom's jokes

Jay and Andrew are best friends who are almost alike. The difference between them both is Jay is poor and well... Andrew, on the other hand, is suck-a-dick poor. Let me explain, Jay wakes up in his room, walks to the kitchen, and asks his mom, Lisa (I call her Lisa now, btw), if there is anything to eat. "No, bitch!" she replies, so Jay drinks a glass of milk and goes back to bed.

Now Andrew... wakes up, jumps out of bed, and he's in the kitchen. He sees his mom fixing some food for work after a long hard night of giving her husband blue balls. "Anything left for me, Mother?" Andrew asks. "Sorry, Honey, I have to eat to put food on the table and to get the running again." *so she goes to work, taking her time* Andrew sits by his bedside and says to himself, "Man... I'd suck a dick for some water right now." *his mom storms back after hearing what he had said* "I'll buy you a soda if you do my first customer for me!"

Daughter: Dad, why are you so mean?

Dad: Because you are so mean, that's why.

Daughter: You so get on my nerves.

Dad: I am gonna slap you in your god darn head if you don't shut up.

Daughter: Wow, Dad, you savage.

Dad: 21 SAVAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daughter: Oh my God, I am tellin' Mom that you are doin' that thing again.

What did your mom say last night? "Go harder!"

The "M" and "D" in "orphan" stands for Mom and Dad.

Guess what? If your mom ever wants to have sex with you, tell her to make another.

My depressed mom looks good hanging from a tree.

One day I was walking around, then saw this mom mad at her kid and screamed, "You're adopted!" He said, "Yeah, I know. My REAL mommy is still at home with daddy."

I love you. You too. I love you. You have a good night. Love. Love. I love you. You and your mom, love. Love. You have the best friends. Love. You have fun. Love. Is it good? You you have to walk home from school and walk walk home from school. I have fun at home.

Are the three little pigs orphans because their mom kicked them out of the house?

Child: "Mom, what's an 'orgasm'?"

Mom: "I don't know, dear. Try asking your father."

What did the mom say to her house? "I love you"

How are shark eggs and your mom the same? They're both the biggest thing ever laid.

Your mom gay.

Your mom is a transgender, your dad took a wrong turn just like his gender, your brother is just gay.

Your mom gay, lol.

How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? Rearranged the furniture.

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.

Me: Mom, I'm tired.

Mom: "Then go to sleep."

Me: No, you don't understand-

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

Mom: I saw John Cena at WWE.

Son: No way, you can’t see him though.

Mom: God!

Son: What?

Mom: You watch too much reality TV (comes to smack butt).

Son: Also because I’m John Cena.

Mom: Where, where’d ya go?

John Cena: Hey, Mom.

Mom: I’m only 31, you’re 42.