Lincoln jokes
JFK and Abe Lincoln were some of the most open-minded presidents ever.
Hillary Clinton is elected president...
And on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."
She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."
On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"
The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."
I couldn't imagine being Abe Lincoln, that would be mind-blowing!
I think Abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind.
We all know that Lincoln and Kennedy are the most open-minded presidents in the world.
JFK and Abraham Lincoln were terrible presidents. It's like their heads were empty.
Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln
Why is Ronnie Anne in love with Lincoln? Because he has a fat nugen.
Why is Ronnie Anne like Lincoln? Because he is a softy about everything.
Why does Lincoln like Ronnie Anne?
She is the only one that calls me "lamo."
Abraham Lincoln was a good man, he jumped out the window with his dick in his hand and walked up to a group of ladies and said I'm doing my duty so why don't you give me some booty?
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.
The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.
Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.
Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.
Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?
Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!
Ok, I put one penny down. Do you smell anything?
1 scent.
I put two pennies down. Do you see any fruit?
2 pears.
I put three pennies down. Do you see any law enforcement?
3 coppers.
I put four pennies down. Do you see any cars?
4 Lincolns.
I put five pennies down. Do you see any pussies?
NOT FOR 5 CENTS YOU DONT!
Q: What does Abraham Lincoln have in common with a poor quality pirated movie?
A: They were both shot in a theater.
Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?
They both had an open mind.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where’s Trump’s clock?"
"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."
The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."
Which president has never gone to jail?
Lincoln because he's innocent in a cent, get it?