The Ruler of Varvona wanted a fruitcake, but his subjects showed up at his castle with a Christian instead.
And he said: "NO, NO, NO! YOU IMBECILES! NOT THAT KIND OF FRUITCAKE!"
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself and his friend says "Find jesus instead he'll help you!" and than the man says "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist".
I would tell you an orphan joke, ehh I’ll just tell your parents instead.
Did you know that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep mode?"
Have you ever heard of the Russian politician who was so afraid of the dark that, instead of going to the bathroom at night, he would use a metal tin that he kept underneath his bed?
His name is Vladimir Pootin.
A missionary went to visit an orphanage in Thailand. After looking around, he asked the manager, "Why do these kids have numbers instead of names on their shirts? And why are some of them the same?"
The manager smiled and said, "Those are price tags."
Bro, the US keeps bullying the UK because the queen died, and do you know the meme "No Bitches?" Yeah, they put "No Queen" instead. And guess what? The UK replied this time and said, "No Towers?" I was shocked. UK's most devious lick.
I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.
11/9 is opposite day. The towers fall on the planes instead of 9/11, way.
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookie and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple kool-aid.
I downloaded Fruit Ninja so I can cut fruit instead of myself.
Why was the Pakistani bomber angry? Since he got a pepperoni instead of a plain [pizza].
A guy was in one of the Twin Towers and he ordered pepperoni pizza, but he didn't get it. He got a plane instead.
True story: my math teacher Mr. Ueberoth accidentally marked a Kahoot as 100 points in Google Classroom instead of 10. If he doesn't find out, the grades will be more hyperinflated than Zimbabwe's economy.
What do you call a cat with two legs instead of four?
Dead and without use, that's what I feel like.
When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.
Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."
Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"
Why don't communists like Microsoft? Because it's Minecraft instead of ourcraft.
I was asked at school to draw a line across the paper, but instead I showed them my wrists.
I saw an emo orphan by a tree, and I was going to give it a high-five, but instead I just let it hang.
