Household object jokes

So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"

Yo mama so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!

I've seen more charisma in a wet mop than in BLESSEDBRIAN'S personality.

What do women and appliances have in common?

If they don't work, hit them until they work.

Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.