Household object jokes

So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"

Yo mama so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!

I've seen more charisma in a wet mop than in BLESSEDBRIAN'S personality.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

I asked a poor old woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes. However, the expression on her face soon changed when I started walking away with her cardboard box.

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

A homeless man sits in front of a Home Depot. A man walking out of the store hands him some money and asks, "Why are you in front of the Home Depot?" And the man says, "Isn't it obvious? Hoping somebody accidentally drops the house they just bought."

A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"