I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
Yo mama's so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.
"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isnβt it time she got a place of her own?"
"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."
Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.
That made my father very mad, as we didnβt have a fireplace.
When you fall asleep on the couch and wake up in your bed.
But you know you live alone.
Why are orphans so skinny?
They never learned how to home cook.
What is the thing that orphans miss the most?
Their parents.
What is old, cold, and alone?
An orphan's parents.
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
Because they don't know where home is.
There was one kid that came home from school and asked his mom what dark humor was.
She said, "Well son, do you see that guy over there across the road? Go give him a high-five."
Son said, "But I can't see."
Mom said, "That's the point."
What is an orphan's first step to the orphanage?
Why do orphans like boomerangs more than their parents? The boomerang comes back.
One day I saw a kid cry, so I go, "Let's go find your parents." I miss my job at the orphanage.
Why do orphans get lost on boats? They can't find the home room.
Best not leave hungry kids unattended!
Dark jokes are like home. A lot of people don't get it.
A guy gets home from work to see his girlfriend packing, and he asks her why she is packing. The girl says, "Because I found out you're a pedophile." The guy goes, "A pedophile?" And she says, "Yes." The guy goes, "That's a big word for a 12-year-old."
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They can't find home plate.
Why did the orphan run away?
They Wanted To Go Home
what do you call a kid with home a homless kid
Today, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Wanna know what my favorite feeling is? Warmth. Fuck, I left the oven on!
