Home jokes

Your dad's Spider-Man because he's far from home.

How do you know when Helen Keller is home?

Answer: When you hear somebody falling down the stairs!

I had a terrifying experience last night. I was alone in the house having a bath... when all of a sudden... I felt a tap on my shoulder.

What excuse can you use if you find out your date is a rape victim and you don't want the baggage?

Say you've parked your car in a bad spot and are just going to move it, then move your car all the way back to your home address.

Why do police never put an orphan in prison? It's too much like a home.

I made this up.

I was watching a school baseball game, and I was yelling at a kid to take it home. He took the bat and threw it, and then ran away. I asked the teacher/coach what the problem was, and he said the kid was an orphan, and I started laughing so hard.

Later that night, I wondered where he stormed off to after he threw the bat, and I thought to myself, "Not home."

Why don’t orphans play baseball?

Because they can’t find home.

I like Christmas.

It’s the holiday where an old man breaks into people’s homes so he can give them toys! :) yaaaaay 😁

What's one thing a homing missile can't kill?

An orphan.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

My wife (or husband) told me to get six cans of Sprite from the grocery store.

I had just realized when I got home that I had picked up 7-Up.

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

What's the difference between an orphan and a Chinese kid?

The Chinese kid has a home.

You know, that I see my sister at home from school. She says everyone bullies me. I say, "Because you're a fat a**."

Friend: Hey, wanna race home?

Orphan: What home?

Why can't orphans use a phone?

Because they don't have a home screen.

My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.

What do you call an orphan?

Homeless.

Your mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.

We're taking the orphans to the movies. We are watching Spiderman: No Way Home.