How do u know Stephen Hawking is having a seizure?
He spills coffee on his iPad.
Hes Jokes
There is a kid in my class who is allergic to peanuts. He says he's gay. He can't be though... he's allergic to nuts!
RIP Stephen Hawking who was buried today... he did always love black holes.
How did the retard win the break dancing competition?
He saw flashing lights.
I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*
I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."
I got a roommate. He killed a butterfly, and I said no butter for a week. The next day, he killed a cockroach. Son of a bitch, nice try.
My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.
My dad died in 9/11.
But he was the pilot.
What did Homer Simpson say when he ran over a deer? "DOE!"
I was walking down the street when I saw this dude just vibing. He was telling every guy that walked by if his dick was bigger than theirs, they have to give him 50 bucks.
Long story short, I walked away with 100 bucks that day.
Have you heard about the pedophile who was guilty of robbery?
He took a girl's innocence.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..." *poof* ... He disappeared without a tres.
What did the dalmatian dog say after he finished his meal?
"That hit the spot?"
You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?
It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.
Why was Michael Jackson at Kmart?
He heard they had little boys' pants 1/2 off.
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
My young son saw Trump on TV. He asked, "Why is the man on TV painted orange?" I replied, "Son, when Russia pays that much for equipment, they don't want it to rust."
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
