Hes jokes
What did the fish say before he hit the wall? -- "Oh, dam."
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
Why is Stephen Hawking a bad role model? -- He doesn't stand for anything.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why couldn't the whistleblower leave his house?
He was snowed in.
Why couldn't a lifeguard save the hippie? -- Because he was too far out, man.
Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he's masturbating?
His ears.
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?
Because it was Luke warm.
A cop stopped a guy for speeding.
He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.
The cop said, "But there is no traffic."
And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."
Why did 10 die? -- He was in the middle of 9/11.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.
What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? -- "Mumbai!"
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
Donald Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
He wants to make America grate again.