My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...
no one could tell that it was their blood.
The good thing about dead baby jokes is that they never get old.
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.
What's the only good thing about being an orphan?
All snacks are family sized!
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.
One good thing about lynching during the holidays, free tree ornaments.
Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
My dad told me I'm a failure.
I failed a math test.
Good thing there's a pole outside my house.
This bunny named Mason came up to a bar and ordered a beer and a burger. He sits at a table and the waiter brought a huge burger.
Mason: "Heh. Good thing I eat like a horse." He looks up at the waiter.
Waiter: "You are a nasty little bunny, aren't you?"
Mason screamed and ran away as the waiter chased him... she was a HORSE.
Did you hear about the person who got hit in the head with a soda can? Good thing it was a "Soft" drink
Q: What’s a good thing about child molesters?
A: They drive slow through school zones.
I saw a dad shave his daughter's head because she made fun of a woman with cancer.
Good thing she didn’t make fun of a pregnant woman 🤭
I hate these double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium and your doing a good thing, burn a body at home and your destroying evidence
"Love is a good thing, never be embarrassed by it."
My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
friend: how's it going? me: good, things are good! parent: how are you? me: oh I'm fine! Twitter: compose new tweet? me: hellooooo l would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it
