Food preparation jokes

When I cut vegetables for my famous stew, I don’t know why everyone in the nursing home is always looking at me.

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

There’s a woman cutting onions when her husband walks in and starts crying. Onions was a good dog.

Why did the chief go to jail?

Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream!

Why did the boy put the potatoes 🥔 on the kitchen floor?

He wanted to mash potatoes!

What’s red and goes 100 miles per hour?

Babies in a blender.

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

What sits in the corner and gets smaller and smaller? A baby with a potato peeler.