How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
I had a dog with an eating disorder.
He wouldn’t eat any of my homework.
What's the difference between an onion and a baby? I only tear up cutting the onion.
That moment when you have to ask your Chinese neighbor if he's seen your cat.
I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.
And then I noticed that my cat was missing.
My cat's breath smells like cat food.
What does a male Asian P*rnstar like to say?
"I love eating cat."
If a cat hits you with her tail, is it considered being pussy whipped?
A farmer walks into his bedroom with his wife in bed with a sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fucking." She says, "You idiot, that's a sheep!" He says, "Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."
I had sex with my dog once, and my cat hissed at me for not doing her.
Do you know the teacher that went up into space?
You know what her husband said to her? "I will feed the dog; you feed the fish."
What sound do you get when you cross a cow with a cat?
Meow.
Can a cook and clean for real? No, I do not want no rabbit hare in my house.
One dog said to the other dog, "Man, it is hard sleeping on the floor."
The other said, "Really? I like my bed."
Why do I call my dog a vibrator?
Because every time my dog acts like a dildo, I beat him, and when I beat him, he shakes. What do you call a shaking dildo? A vibrator, therefore I call my dog a vibrator.
