Cook jokes
There's a new cooking programme on BBC1. The contestants are victims of domestic violence. It's called "Can't Cook... Right Hook."
What does a woman do when she leaves the battered women's shelter?
"Cook my dinner, if she knows what's good for her."
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
What do you call Dominos when it doesn't know how to cook pizza?
Domi-don't-knows...
Anyone who says they don't like cats has never had one cooked right...
Did you know that French fries aren't from France? They're cooked in Greece.
Q: Why did the chef get fired?
A: He took cooking advice from Hitler!
How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?
I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.
A girl asks her Asian boyfriend if he wants to eat her pussy. He asks her why she is taking off her clothes, instead of cooking her cat.
What's the difference between you and Hitler? At least he knows how to use an oven.
What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?
They don’t cook because they love eating out.
Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on called a day off?
Yo' mama's cooking is so bad, your family prays after they eat.
What is a panda's favorite cooking implement?
A pan-duh.
What is the best way to end a cookbook?
And that’s a wrap!
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
Two cannibals have just captured a man and are about to eat him, so they cook him and lay him on a table. The first cannibal says, "You start at the bottom, I start at the top," so they both chow down.
About half an hour later, the second cannibal says, "I'm having a ball!" Then the first cannibal says, "Then you're eating too fast!"
A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordon Ramsay's F-king cooking show!
Husband: "Stop watching that f-king sh*t! You can't cook to save your life!"
Wife: "So what?! You watch porn, don't you?!"
I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.
The person to make the first cannabinol cookbook had a wife and ate (eight) children.