Are jokes

What's so special about bullets?

They do work after they are fired.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples are actually picked.

Me: Hey, are your parents home?

Orphan: (crying) Stop calling here!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo.

If dust mites are found in dust, bedbugs are found in beds, where are cockroaches found in?

Q: How are Clocks like Pedophiles? A: They both stop at 12.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. They went through 67 stories in 0.67 milliseconds.

Why are there so many scars and cuts on your arm?

Because it's a battlefield.

Someone at school asked what makeup I was wearing.

I said, "a smile."

They are now following me around asking if my mental health is okay.

My plan to avoid them is to not go to school.

Going to school is mandatory in this country.

Can you guess my plan?

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

I hate prom in Alabama. They always say, "Uhh, actually this is our family reunion." We are in Alabama, so they are the same thing.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid and I said, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents at first."

If you're in Alabama, family reunions are basically speed dating events.

Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!

Are you a pirate? Because I have a lot of seamen waiting for you 😉

Your teeth are so spread out my mom can drive her car through the gap in your teeth.

Are you my depression, because I’m falling for you?

In honor of Michael Jackson, Vienna Beef, as well as other establishments, are introducing the Jackson dog. It's a 50 year old sausage between two 7 year old buns, with everything on it.

My mum once told me, "How do you spell Mississippi?" and I said, "Misisipi." But she said, "No, it goes mi-ss-i-ss-pp-i," and I laughed when she said "pp." Then she said, "Why are you laughing?" I tried saying, "You said pp," but I was laughing too hard.