Amputee jokes
When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.
I had a girlfriend who was a below-the-knee amputee. We broke up because she just couldn't keep her legs closed.
Why don't amputees ever get cold? They're always wearing their stump warmers.
A: What did the podiatrist say to the double amputee?
Q: Sorry, but I can't help you.
A: What did the lawyer say to the amputee?
Q: You haven't got a leg to stand on.
What do alcoholics and amputees have in common?
They are both legless.
I was going to think of a good amputee joke...
But I’m stumped.
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!
The amputee: -_-
My buddy and I both wanted to marry a woman who happened to be an amputee.
Sadly, my buddy won her heart, but I got her leg.
What do you call a guy at your doorstep with no arms and no legs?
Matt!
If you put an amputee with no limbs in a snuggie, it becomes a stubbie.
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same.
The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr. Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
I'm trying to come up with a set-up for an amputee joke, but I'm stumped.
A little boy was given a bicycle and a soccer ball for his birthday, but why was the little boy unhappy?
Because the little boy had no legs.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
Where do leg amputees go to buy a car?
IHOP
There once was a little girl named Sarah with no arms and legs.
*knock knock*
Who's there!
Not Sarah.