What the the vegetable say to the other before the fight? Time to beet your maker.

What do you call a retreat in war? A back up plan

i used to be a doctor, until a girl came in to get a kidney transplant, but i had to give her anal resization surgery first

Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly dissapointing

Girl 1: Dad, why is my name rose? Dad: because a rose landed on your head. Girl 2: Hey dad, why is my name daisy? Dad: because a daisy landed on your head. Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr! Dad: Oh, Hey Brick!

*You heard a conversation between sans and Papyrus

sans: "sub bro" Paps: "DON’T ‘SUB’ ME BROTHER! YOU STILL DIDN’T REDINTEGRATE YOUR PUZZELS!" sans: "easy bro, i have done a ton of work today" sans: “a skele-ton” (Drum effect) Paps: “OH MY GOD SANS!”

The Toaster;

other wise known as, the ultimate bath bomb.

My ex-wife still misses me… BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN BETTER!

Here’s how to piss off all of North America.

All the United States is, is South Canadia.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? —where’s my tractor!

So I went to the binoculars shop the other day, tell you what, they saw me coming.

How do you knockout an unorthodox blue tooth? You get a good connection

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he’d be fine and it’d only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

Rules of dark humor 1.Everything shall be touched.

2. If it offends someone it shall not be touched.

Two Trojan warriors were patrolling the streets of Troy at night. It was finally time for their duties to be relived. When they went back to their houses, one Trojan fell in a puddle. Nitrogen! The other called. And the other responded coldly, “Good nigh-“

I would make a disabled joke But they never work

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

No?

They both got six months.

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “No it doesn’t”

What collage can Stephen Hawking not attend to? “Stand” Ford university. :3

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie. I responded “yes” and he said: “okay, 14159”