Worst Jokes Ever
What goes in and takes a while to come out?
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
Why do the Japanese hate Christmas?
Because the last time a Fat Man came down the chimney, they lost half their population.
New civil war themed porn title: “Harriet Tubman gets hit with something other than an iron ingot.”
Hubble just spotted something huge coming out of Uranus.
Who is chicken's favorite actor?
James Cor-hen!
Uh oh, stinky!
Why did the poop cross the street? Because it was trying to get in the toilet.
How do chickens 🐔 get stronger and stronger?
They egg-xercise every day!
Roses are red, my blood is too. I see a lot when I lost you.
I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000."
But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso expresso.
JK, bleach.
New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."
Students: "OOF!"
Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"
Students: "Your parents!"
A girl and a dog were dropped off at an orphanage. Why was she crying before she went in? Because the people came back for their dog.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where’s Trump’s clock?"
"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.
What do you call a sheep obsessed with cars? A Lambo.
It's all shits and giggles till somebody giggles and shits.
You are gay.
A teacher asks a boy in her class, "If 3 birds are sitting on a fence, and one is shot, how many are left?" The boy responds with, "None." The teacher asks why. "They would all fly away after hearing the gunshot." The teacher says, "The answer is 2, but I like the way you think."
Later, the boy asks the teacher, "3 women walk out of an ice cream shop. One is eating with a spoon, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking it." The boy says, "No, the one wearing the ring, but I like the way you think."
Roses are red, violets are blue, Cause comes near my Willy.