Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
Worst Jokes Ever
An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.
Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.
What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.
A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
What's the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
School is like a boner. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.
Ukrainians leave without saying goodbye.
Russians say goodbye without leaving.
Doctor: "Does your penis burn after intercourse?"
Patient: "I don't know. I never tried lighting it."
Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.
I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.
Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? - In case he got a hole in one.
How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? - None, they declare darkness to be the new standard.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts.
Q: How do you know you're at a gay barbecue? A: All the hot dogs taste like shit.
Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.
I was going to tell a ghost joke, but it just seemed so mean-spirited.
Q. What's the difference between Donald Trump and orange Jello?
A. The Jello has a higher IQ.
