A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.
A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to jump!"
The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"
The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"
The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."
I had a party the other day. I made sure there were vegan options. They make do or fuck off.
If ugliness was a brick, you would be the Great Wall of China.
Why do orphans rob banks?
Because they want to be wanted.
Roses are red, my mental health is blue, Karen got no mom like you.
Ching chong China.
Jing jong Japan.
Ting tong Taiwan.
Hing hong Hong Kong.
King kong Korea.
I tried to high-five my emo friend, but he just left me hanging.
what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.
Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.
Dad: Would you like to talk about it?
Son: Sure.
Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.
Son: I can't, my butt hurts.
What is something you can’t say in a superhero movie?
“Is it a bird, is it a plane, well whatever it is, it’s heading straight for the World Trade Center.”
White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?
Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!
I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up..\n\nI now suffer from anxiety AND depression :\
My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.
It’s called Enditol.
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.
Male Patient: So I just pull my pants down and bend over for my prostate exam.
Doctor: Yup.
Male: Ok I'm ready....hey doc that doesn't feel like a finger.
Doctor: He he yeah...im not a doctor.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they don’t have a home to run to.
Your mama is so fat, she needs two phones to take a picture of herself.
"Hi, this is Dave's orphanage—you make it, we take it."
Q: What's really long and black?
A: The line at KFC.
I told an orphan there were 363 days in a year.
