Visit

Visit jokes

Toronto

    • A pair of Newfies decide to visit Toronto. They drive through Nova Scotia, through New Brunswick, through Montréal, Kingston, Oshawa... then they see a sign that says "Toronto Left", so they turn back around and go home.

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    • Crow

    • Akbar: How many crows are there, Birbal?

    Birbal: 8,971.

    Akbar: What if there are fewer?

    Birbal: Then some crows went on vacation to visit their relatives.

    Akbar: What if there are more?

    Birbal: Then some came on vacation here to visit their relatives.

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    • Visit

    • Bertold Brecht & Tork Poettschke visit the places of their youth together. One says to the other: "Here used to be the Phoenix Lake. Where did he go?" "That was probably a pirate ..."

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    • Trump

    • What's the difference between Canada and the USA?

    In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.

    In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.

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    • Priest

    • A German priest went to America for a few months. Unfortunately for him, he did not speak the best English. He stayed with a beautiful, young single woman who worked at a nearby orphanage.

    Every day, he visited her in the orphanage, and he always brought her small gifts, and of course to the young children.

    The young woman thought the priest was flirting with him, and she knew he was not married. She left that thought in the back of her mind for a few weeks.

    A few weeks later, she finally brought up her nerve to ask him. She asked him why he always visited her, and why all the gifts for her and the children.

    Of course, due to his bad English, he struggled a bit with his sentence, but he said in his thick German accent, "Vell, I visit you and your, your littles, because the kind girls here are very beautiful and cute."

    She was quite amused, and blushed a bit. The man was also a bit nervous, and appeared to want to leave her office.

    The Priest then excused himself, and went to read the orphans a bedtime story.

    He then muttered to himself, "Ach, she's catching on to me! Stupid! Zey are called little girls and boys, not child boys and girls."

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    • Bear

    • Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?

    His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.

    *Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*

    Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.

    LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!

    Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.

    Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?

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    • Rap

    • WORLDWIDE RAP: Takin’ a Battery Park tour in Calgary, a Mali rapport and a factory in Lahore in an Annapolis store, Calgary's core, went to Nairobi’s floor and visited Valerie Moore, then bought some Shanghai decor and got salaries in Seoul’s war, studied the Vatican’s lore, wanted to see Manhattan’s allure and visit the Galilee shore to check Napoli’s score, a tragedy in Warsaw, Palmyra before, check out the cavalry corps, went to a Bali resort, a Madrid encore but had to take a Hackney detour.

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    • Gay

    • How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?

    Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.

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    • Wife

    • I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

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    • Pastor

    • One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

    He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

    So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

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